When we reach “the bridge” do we actually have cross it? Or can we in fact go walk away? I am stumped, embarrassingly so but I just can't make a decision. There seems to be no compromise with what I want and what is necessary. Suddenly these two are mutually exclusive - black and white.

Who knows how long I have waited for this but now that its here and happening I am frozen to the ground, fazed and stunned. In the depths of my heart I am truly excited and it feels like my life is finally starting. This is the break I have long been clamoring for, the break I have spent countless hours thinking of. It took a while that I began to doubt I was due one. All this time I've been waiting, working for my dreams hoping that I do get that break, even as a fluke of nature. Now that its finally here I'm giddy as I was when I walked across the stage to accept my college diploma and took that fateful trip to Manila to start my journey through life. 'Truth be told, I have been recently (and frequently) musing about my dreams - the heights I want to soar in, the depths I want to explore. I have wanted to put back the fire in me. It's different to have that kind of warmth to keep you going amidst disappointment and heartbreak. To get a firm hold of our desires and hopes is a blessing in itself for life is not a thoughtless journey. Our dreams fuel our spirit to forge on despite obstacles - it defines our being. So when I got the chance to touch base with my hopes again I held on tight and crossed my fingers.

my older brother's ex is constant pain in ass - not having enough brain cells to know when to shut up and stop clamoring for attention makes me want to wring her neck. seriously, its pitiful to find a person, supposedly of age with no known serious mental or psychologically incapacitating disorder-other than a really bad case of insecurity and a lack of morality (but thats another issue), who irritatingly harps and spews rubbish to no end. i mean, come on, its been what? a year since your hide was last seen (read: been booted out of our home) and she's still pining for my brother in that really whiny way. how else would it come of? when she posts endless brain-damaging garbage, which we more commonly call surveys, while making negative references to brother and their (thankfully) ended relationship. the point here is that there is absolutely no way to make a person grow-up nor can anyone make a brain grow inside an empty skull. come to think of it.. she had a chance a year or two ago when real estate prices were sky-rocketing... that empty space between her ears would have been worth something... now? it wouldn't take an einstein to say that dog-poop trumps ....pffft.... anytime of the day. but she's not completely useless i suppose, after making an embarrassing spectacle of herself i can't help but be thankful that i've been blessed with more brains than she was and well i just can't help but feel sorry for her and happy for us.

http://www.sec.gov.ph/exams/srce/srce%200627-0703%2008.pdf

my blog sucks compared to katie ket's...crap...that's just crap hahahaha

This is a salute to the year that passed, sometimes painful and sometimes devoid of emotion. I have looked back often trying to learn and grow from everything that life chose to hand me, this time i look back not to analyse, wallow or bask in the memories of love lost and sanity gained on instead I stop to look back and revel in amazement and awe of my journey. I certainly have gone a long way... when this part of my life started i had nothing, not a scrap of hope for the days to come nor the courage to go on but i did and that much i thankful for and greatly humbled. With time on my side, wisdom somehow kissed me to urged me to evolve to the person that i am today. i wont mince my words... it has been arduous onus to pick up the pieces of what my life was. Hearts break everyday but when ideals are shaken... a world collapses... giving way to the rise of a new being - pieced from the past, held together by dreams and strengthen by a deeper understanding of life's essence. I have cried much, feared much and have been angered so deeply but today... today, i finally walk away from the shadows ready and keen to face LIFE... I have come to a complete circle... Let me see you off my past, hoping that the winds carry the beat of being and let them know of my well wishes. But in the end this is a toast to happy todays, dreams and tomorrows. salute!

these days my life is consumed by work, an occasional drink with friends or colleagues and weekends of solitude. my new routine really works for me it gives me a chance to concenrate on myself as a person, my dreams and my hopes for my family. the quiet reverie of my life is disrupted every so often with my parents worries about my siblings and the future of my nieces and nephews. with our conversations i feel the weight of reponsibility my mom is sharing with me, it's not an entirely good feeling which i welcome. i'd like to enjoy my youth i would think.

I've waited long enough to go back home. When i finally did, it filled my heart well enough to gently remind me of who i am, who i was, and who i plan to be.

In an unguarded moment, when i least expected it... my questions have been answered. I have long bemoaned fate for letting our paths cross and berated myself for having a lapse of judgment but in the end She held my hand and whispered to my heart. In that moment i was suspended in time and in space. For that split second i was filled with certainty and serenity....

i really dont know what to write about. i usually have many fleeting thoughts: sentences that i never get to finish. I have alot of great starts but i never see it through. The words slip out of my grasp just when i am ready to jot them down. i've waited too long and wasted a good amount of creativity.

It would seem that I'm really trying to elude my thoughts, my insights. The voice within me tries to speak out but i quell it, rather abruptly and i am bothered by my behavior.

I've always turned to writing whenever I pass an emotional patch. words encapsulate my deepest thoughts and feelings. it is as if for a moment, in that piece, my soul would ever so clearly speak and give me an unprecedented perspective on the things that have happened.

Time would stop and words would be pouring out and my hands struggles to keep up. i would be calm and yet tense. Very much like a delta where the river meets the sea i would be swirling in the mass of my emotions: sadness, serenity, melancholy, peace etc. By then there is no doubt that i have reached the end of a chapter in my life and that i would be starting a new one full of hopes and uncertainties.

There are many times in a day when i hope that thing would be better soon. when thinking about the past stop to bother me. I usually test myself on how far i've come to letting go. i listen to the old songs pass the same streets and remember the old days.

I am afraid that there is only one thing i am sure of: the determination to go on and keep going.

I was on my way to work when I happen to think about my earliest memories as a child, my mind was filled with snippets of the past. Being the youngest of the brood I grew up at a time when everyone of my sibling were already going to school, spending the better part of my early childhood years alone. Playmates were scarce and I wasn’t let out of the house on my own, I had to be with yucky Dihiya (we fought a lot).

Mornings were a drag for me then… 

My (so much older) Achie would usually wake me with her good morning smooch thereafter ensuing to tease me and make lambing “Pong, pahinging piso ha” ,she’d say. She took a peso a day, which was enough to cover the fare for her jeepney ride to the university, from my piggy bank (in reality it was a gianormous mug) that she bought…..which she fills every afternoon with coins left over from her day. Weird huh?

I’d occasionally tease her about those days. Fine, fine…I tease her about it A-L-O-T. But Achie gets even when she brings up my heyday as “little-miss-mischief”. There is no logical explanation to it but as a young gal I always ended up creating a mess at home or doing something ridiculously crazy. I once cut my very long hair, so for the next few months I sported a semi-kalbo cut and my dad made wear a dress everytime I went out. My mom being my mom, grilled me when they got home. “Why?!”. Of course they didn’t understand…

I was spending the day with achie (so you see it’s her fault) at home. She was cleaning our room and I… I was having my usual day roaming around the house like the princess I was. Then I locked my sights on my clothes which my sister was refolding, so I decided I wanted to try most of them. I tried one on and took it of then tried another and another and another....until I found THE shirt. It was simply what I wanted. BUT I couldn’t take off the shirt I was wearing. I bugged my sister to help me, she wouldn’t. I've always been resourceful so I went to my parent’s room looking for inspiration… Then, I found my mom’s all-around scissors. That’s when it struck me “Darn my tresses for being so long and thick!”

And snip, snip, snip…I went.

Hell broke loose when I was in the process of hiding the evidence – my hair (as if they wouldn’t notice!). I’ve been gone for quite sometime then and my sister grew suspicious so she went trailing after me and…ding! ding! ding!

Sniff, sniff, sniff, achie went.

- - > :)